A heart out of rhythm

In less than a week, I'll be on my way to Romania.  I'm excited, but today all that is on hold.  Today, for the second time, my Dad is at Vanderbilt Hospital having a procedure done that will hopefully correct the arrhythmia in his heart.  All this started several years ago, and to my surprise I found that I had written about it in the very last post I ever did in Life After Judy Branch.

Today, my thoughts are swirling with reflections on the heart and hopes and fears for my dad.  Words are hard to come by in my current state of mind, so it's lucky for me that what I wrote back in 2009 speaks so clearly to how I feel today:

"When I was a child I would, every so often, find myself lying in bed both terrified and engulfed with a mixture of panic and grief as it hit me that one day I may have to face losing my grandma, my grandpa, my mom, my dad, my brother... The grief was like a two-ton stone in the middle of my chest. It was agonizing . . .  This week, I was reminded of those feelings. The terrifying realization of how fragile life is, especially the lives of the people you love dearest."   

The procedure my dad had today was minimally invasive, and if it works, it will hopefully keep his heart in rhythm.  I know my dad would be so frustrated if he had to live the rest of his life taking lots of medicine or with a Pacemaker in his chest, and so I hope that the second time is a charm.  Afterall, he has a month-long trip to Africa coming up in just a few weeks!

Intellectually, I know that this was a routine procedure, nothing to worry about.  And my dad is in good hands, some of the best from what I've heard.  However, I just can't shake that familiar agonizing feeling.  What would I do without my dad?  Could my own heart handle losing him?

Me & Dad - circa 1982

For now, I will focus on the relief that I feel knowing that he is now out of surgery and the innumerable blessings that he has brought to my life.  

Thank you Dad for raising me to love nature, explore the world through multiple lenses and to above all else, lead a life of compassion, humility and love.  With all my heart, I wish that your heart is restored to a steady rhythm that will keep you marching in time for many more years and adventures ahead.